“Be Patient” (Ua Siab Ntev) For Hmong Women

As a Hmong American woman I despise the phrase “ua stab ntev,” meaning “be patient.”

I once retorted, “Be patient for what? For your man to continuously mistreat you?” No, I don’t stand for that.

All my life, I’ve seen my mother get hurt by the men who supposedly loved her. I also hear countless stories about many other Hmong women who deal with cheating and beating husbands while all that their family members have to say is “be patient.”

I’m not going to pretend that I fully understand the Hmong customs because as soon as I could I chose to leave the part of me that is Hmong behind. Now, I can barely speak the Hmong language even though I studied it through all of grade school and middle school. I tell people it’s because I stopped using the language but that’s only partly true. It’s because there’s a bitter taste in my mouth and I can’t seem to see beyond my anger to fully embrace the other side of my culture; the beauty of being Hmong though I’m trying to reconnect.

First things first, I’m not saying all Hmong men are bad husbands and lovers. I think for the most part the younger generation doesn’t stand for that inequality and “ua siab ntev” bullshit. It’s just wrong. But for the people who still resort it, I do want to know what it is you’re thinking. Not trying to be rude – I just want to hear your reasoning for telling a woman who comes to you that they are unloved and mistreated that they just need to be patient.

As a child I would nod, believing in the elder’s words that in time things will get better but rarely do they ever do. It’s honestly funny to me that one would have to go to their elders concerning their relationship when it only takes two people to be in a marriage.

After the fourth, fifth, sixth time of repeated offense, one would hope that their elders and family members who still use “ua siab ntev/be patient” would be on the women’s side. And then I realized the most messed up part which is that even if they were to be on the women’s side, sometimes they’ll still just tell you to hold on. I’ve seen it happen. Why? Because you want to save face? Because you don’t really want to deal with it? It’s not really your problem until it is right? When something really bad happens.

It makes me angry and sad, and I find myself pulling further away, unable to face my mother who I love dearly. She, who I’ve now accepted that will not change her way of thinking when it comes to her relationships and life because it has been grounded into her for so long. I can’t stand it and won’t accept it but there is nothing really I can do but voice myself.

I know I’m not the only one out who feels conflicted and hates this phrase. This is just my little piece about it.